My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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