I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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