So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
