I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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