why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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