I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
