The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
