Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
