Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
