I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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