fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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