he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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