For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize