I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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