Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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