Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
