I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
