She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
