his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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