I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
