my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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