i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
