Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
