So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
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He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
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This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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