dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
