my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
