How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
