Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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