omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think i got beer on your cat.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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