No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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