I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
