apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
