I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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