dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
