i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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