Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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