what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
