I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
