I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
