What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
