Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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