Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
