I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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