Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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