You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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