he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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