I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
did you just send me my own nude
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
