I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Someone came in the potted fern
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
