She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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