Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
