The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If its not for food we ain't going out.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
