Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
