i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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