MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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