I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
