She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
