My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
